fullbodied | (no subject)

North: Okay, I'll be there soon.
North: And don't worry about buying stuff-- I don't want to make light of what you want to talk about, okay?

[but she leaves a little later, so she's surprised to see him waiting there.

Boss! Hey!

[BUT WHAT IF HE WANTS TO TREAT YOU BECAUSE IT'S JUST REALLY BAD??

anyway, he's waving from his seat--coffee heathen he is, he brought in a cup of that instead of getting tea.]

Hey.

[gonna offer her the other seat at the table he's claimed.]

Doing okay?

Well...

I'm managing? Which feels a little like 'probably the best I can do.'

[she sits down across from him, and leans forward, her cheek resting in her palm.]

[nods]

That's basically the best way to go about it.

[... ugh. how does he even. start in on these subjects though...]

That's kinda why I didn't really want to dump things on you during the hang-out. Having a lot of... that thrown at you all at once--it's pretty rough.

[makes him feel old saying it like this but SO OLD HAT]

Well, don't feel like you need to protect me, y'know? I might look soft and fragile... And maybe I am in some ways, but I'd rather not find out people are hiding stuff from me.

Not that you are, but you and Mars both avoided me for a little while.

That wasn't... really intentional on my part. I kinda got kidnapped and forced on a talkshow--

[wait. no. shakes his head.]

And I know you're not soft and fragile. I remember the kind of fighter you are.

... and that's kinda what I want to talk with you about. What you might remember, how things in this place has kind of... affected some things.

Talkshow?

[she tilts her head]

Wait-- okay. You're right, not here nor there. But after, I wanna know.

It's real dumb...

But anyway, first point is: I've been in this place since the start. And a lot of things have happened since then. And I know that I'm probably not going to be quite the same person that you'll remember.

I'm against the idea of normalizing death. I don't condone people playing harder than absolutely necessary in the games. And I'll do whatever I can to prevent people I care about from being killed. But... some experiences have proven... that, in this place, for me, death is not the absolute worst thing to experience.

[so there's that first bombshell dropped.]

I don't expect others to feel the same way, but... just to explain why maybe my reactions can be off...

Oh...

[well, she'd heard similar from Mars-- and... if Death is normal, they have to have some way to make sure people still felt it for some of the games, didn't they? But...]

How long is "from the start"?

[she doesn't know exactly what to say to that, so she'll focus on the stuff she can]

Almost four months. Somewhere around there.

It's felt longer, though.

[ah haha... understatement.]

... what do you know about how bad the games can go?

Just that sometimes death is a thing that happens.

But...

[she pauses, and then looks at the table, tracing her finger in a circle.]

If I'm honest, though it hurt, thinking I was dead for four days was a lot worse.

[wow, that status effect. grimaces and nods a bit.]

The way they can mess with our heads--with our cognition and how we see our reality is... the worst.

Even how we get our memories back, all out of order, is like that.

Yeah.

I thought that might be the worst part of it-- though, a part of me is scared of what happens if someone doesn't come back. What if these pointless deaths are eventually how we end it?

That part makes me kinda uncomfortable...

[this is the looking down at the table of someone who actually knows Consequences]

... it's not dying that could be permenant here, I think. But becoming a Damned, one of the groups that watches us, that could be like dying, since it involves losing memories and sense of self.

It nearly happened once. Everyone was going gray and forgetting. And the only way some people could think of to make it stop was by playing their game, by working for the demon princes that run this place.

That's how I know that we're a mixed bag in this place. Some of us were dragged into this from home. Some of us were already dead. I asked the demon I summoned about it.

Edited 2019-05-15 01:06 (UTC)

I knew about going gray... we have to stay close to our units for that, don't we...?

[she pauses]

And what demon?

That's part of it. The other part is sticking to your unit's image. Being willing to be in conflict with other units--even superficially. There's been games that made a point to give wins to participants who cause problems for other units.

[reaches up to tug on a lock of his hair, a bit self-conscious because sure have been an audience favorite more than once]

... and I summoned Asmodeus. I don't really remember the details of that time well anymore, but I sent record of the questioning to Intensity on Future is Now.

He confirmed that some of us are dead back home, but alive here.

Some of us? But not all of us?

Not all of us.

[time to look up and meet her eyes with his]

... but there's a good chance I'm one of them.

[and there it is.]

Why?

[immediately.

he has to give her the context, even though she's immediately worried, though she tries to keep a steady face]

... it played out over a few memories between me and A--since we've been here longest.

There was a heist and I got caught. I think we had a plan to get me out of the situation, but it depended on me talking to someone and getting her on our side.

I was able to, but... maybe too late.

A remembered... walking in. And shooting the guard. And then me.

[so like. pretty sure dead, actually?]

He's been the only one to remember so far.

Wait... but...

[she's a little confused.]

A was at the meeting. Does that mean you've decided to forgive him...?

[shakes his head]

Not forgive. His situation was... complicated.

And I've killed him more than once in this place.

Prim, Fox, and Mars were there to see the memory and A's reaction to it--he announced it to everyone and was going to kill himself.

[looking a little pained because it was a really. distressing time.]

But you know my backstory? How a guy framed me just because he could? That guy isn't only running for Prime Minister but he's also A's father. And he had A so twisted up...

[hands are going to curl into fists because HE FUCKING. HATES SHIDO. SO GODDAMN MUCH.]

So no. I don't forgive him for it. And I don't forgive him working with Shido on what to do with my friends, after. I just... understand the situation for him.

... Joker, I don't know any of that. I just know the flashes I've seen in my memories, and the ones I've seen from Prim and Fox-- neither of which are that complicated.

[well, as uncomplicated as being phantom thieves can be? But she leans back, and twirls a strand of hair around her finger.]

I don't understand all of it. I want to, but... Maybe it would be best to work back to the beginning for me? I know you're important to me, and that if A did hurt you, I should be upset... But I only know what you tell me.

... If you're being honest, then I'll be understanding for A, too.

I'm not asking you to be understanding for A.

And I'm not expecting you to know the situation. That's why I'm telling you this now. It's a lot and it's fragmented.

All I'm saying is that... for me, I've gotten my anger toward him out of my system. But if you guys ever need to... I won't get in the way of it.

And if you do want me to go over all of it, I will.

Edited 2019-05-15 05:51 (UTC)

You're not asking me to be, but I'm telling you I'm gonna try to be.

My teammate has eaten people, and she might do it again any time we lose. There are other people who are fighting over darker impulses here, y'know?

If I ignore that just in this case, it'd be hypocritical to tell them to try and be better. What is the point of trying to not devolve here, y'know?

If A is putting forward the effort... I'm going to try, too.